How do I tell the birth father about my adoption plan?

Here are three ways to tell your baby’s father that you want to place your baby for adoption – each with their own pros and cons:

1. Talk to the birth father in person or by telephone

If possible, directly speaking to the birth father is the best way of informing him of your adoption plan. This way, you can inform him delicately and answer any of his questions about your adoption plan or the adoption process. You can also tell him about the benefits of adoption and how he too can be involved in your adoption plan.

2. Write a letter, text, or email to the birth father

Sometimes it is easier or necessary (for a variety of reasons) for the birth mother to tell the birth father about her adoption plan by writing him a letter, text, or email. If you choose this approach, be careful to spend some time thinking about how you want to tell him. Be sure to choose your words carefully, so your thoughts are accurately conveyed in the letter.

Be honest with him and as descriptive as possible. Explain why you are choosing adoption, why you believe adoption is best for your baby, what the next steps of the adoption process are, and what kind of relationship you are seeking with the adoptive family. The law prohibits you from lying to him about your pregnancy or the baby in any way, including the expected due date. So if the birth father asks you if you are pregnant and when the baby is due by email, text, Facebook, Twitter, etc., you must either tell him the truth or ask your adoption specialist or your attorney to give him truthful information.

3. Have your adoption specialist or attorney talk to the birth father on your behalf

If you are not comfortable speaking with the birth father, your adoption specialist or adoption attorney may be able to talk to him for you. He or she will talk to the birth father about your adoption plan and his rights moving forward and will offer the opportunity to create his own adoption plan.

If the birth father asks questions about a possible pregnancy, know that you have a right to financial support from him during the pregnancy. You can request it, but don’t make a request if it will endanger you. Let your adoption specialist or attorney make the request for financial support if you are afraid of him. If the father offers you financial support, talk to your adoption specialist about it. State laws vary with respect to the effect of such financial support.